Have you ever been angry with someone and felt you needed to correct them or get your point across? Many times when people are mad, they use the word “You” and “You” becomes offensive or accusational to the other person causing them to go into defense because the one angry feels they have to fix the other person or blame to correct them. It is a form of control. Avoid blaming so try not to blame others before you know the facts.When in communication with someone regards to differences, feelings, etc. it is better to begin with What
are better than questions beginning with Why
to avoid defensive responses
. While I agree with some points, I believe this argument neglects the more important word: You
The word you
in each of those questions that carries the accusatory tone, not the why.
The word you
commands attention and can put the other person on the defensive.Not only that it is talking down to the person and not showing respect. People who blame others tend to overemphasize themselves while at the same time underemphasizing the negative effects of their actions.In relaionships, manipulation can be defined as: any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert), another person’s thoughts, feeligs or behaviors.
Manipulation is usually attemtped using power, unsolicited helping, rescuing, guilt, weakness, and/or dependence, in order o achieve a desired outcome.
Boundaries are statements about our values and where we stand on issues. True boundaries are not threats or about getting the other person to do what we want through guilt, shame, power.
When you don’t put the person in defense, then most likely the Lord can deal with the person’s heart. Otherwise, when the word “You” is used, it blocks God to move in your behalf. Many times the Word “You” is a judgmental and accusation and offensive. Both sides of the argument slashes the word “You” and both are hurt and angry and takes much longer to bring healing and forgiveness.
When you avoid the Word “You”, the heated conversation can be controlled much better and much peace.
by: Traci Morin, Ordained Minister Healing and Deliverance,
Christian Speaker, Writer
Touch of God Healing Ministries Dallas, Texas